Review: The Mostly Unfabulous Social Life Of Ethan Green
Oh, what a woeful film. What a woefully, woefully woeful film Ethan Green is. How bad is it? It is so bad! How bad it is! What a terrible motion picture (You get the idea).
As the Token Gay on the Movie Binge staff (side note: you may be surprised to learn that Latin Snake is not, in point of fact, our Token Latino), I felt compelled to volunteer for Ethan Green duty, despite having absolutely zero taste for "gay" cinema as such (as long as My Beautiful Laundrette doesn't count, because that movie rocks). But I thought it would be cute to go on a proper gay date to a proper gay movie, which I'd never done before, and in the worst-case scenario I would at least be taking a bullet for my fellow Bingers. In this case, an armor-piercing bullet. With poison inside. And enriched uranium. That's been set on fire. And farted on.
I won't bother you with the details of the plot, dear (likely straight) reader; I will allow you to use that time to make babies or vote for Republicans or do whatever it is that the people who don't go to movies like this do. Suffice it to say that Ethan Green is unlucky in love, perhaps because he is as a character (a.) unlikeable to an almost inconceivable degree, and (b.) acted with an emotional range one step above pornography (one step below some good porn, actually). The script is unbearably dull, jammed with vacant characters and miserable one-liners -- this is the kind of movie that brazenly expects you to laugh when an attendee at a gay wedding asks "Which side is the groom's side?" YES HA HA, WE GET IT, THEY ARE BOTH MEN. Who sleep with each other. Like your entire fucking audience (with the exception of the lesbian couple who sat four rows in front of us, and who really should have known better). Set your sights a bit higher, won't you?
It is worth noting, as a sign of where the bar was set in general, that the single best performance in the film is given by a nine-year-old girl with asthma, and she is only mildly funny. It is also worth noting that the second-best performance in the film is given by Meredith Baxter from "Family Ties," a fact which amused my date to no end. Before the film, he pointed out to me that this movie made more per-screen last weekend than The Lake House, and though I have no especial love for Keanu & Sandra (had their big reunion picture been Speed 3: Speed On A Plane, or perhaps an entry in the Jurassic Park series, it would be another story), I can only think of that as a massive travesty of justice. It would be a travesty of justice if this movie did more per-screen business than Garfield: A Tail Of Two Kitties, which is at least, I gather, suitable for the temporary placation of children. This film was suitable only for the temporary infuriation of yours truly. It is, I cannot stress the fact enough, a woeful movie. Stay home. (Not that you weren't planning to anyway, in this case...)