The Movie Binge

Review: Crossover

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Proof that this is the most authentic streetball movie of all time. Word to your mother.

In hopes of save you time and mental energy, I will share this single fact about Crossover before continuing: Wayne Brady — the affable man from Whose Line is it Anyway? with a knack for improvisational songs and a comforting smile — plays Vaughn, an ex-sports agent running an illegal streetball gambling ring in one the most dangerous parts of L.A. If you still want to know more about this film, then you are either a glutton for punishment or learning to read and haven't quite processed that sentence yet.

Crossover is about two good friends who make choices about basketball, women and their futures. While Tech wants to make it big via basketball or Hollywood, Cruise is looking to be a doctor. The irony is that Cruise has the talent to go pro, but he's too big for that. The remainder of the film sees each man lose his dream, only to earn it back and, of course, grow from the experience.

After sitting through a 90 minute shitstorm of clichés, I came to this conclusion: director and writer Preston A. Whitmore II created the abstract for the storyline and outsourced the actual scriptwriting to a classroom of twelve year-old girls living in the whitest suburb of the whitest city in the United States. How else could you explain lines of dialogue like these:

  • "Baby girl, it's off the chain breezies."
  • "Cruise, you wanna cruise with me?" "Yeah, whateva's clever"
  • "I can't front, I'm feelin' ya, but I can't do this if you're not feelin' this."
  • "Now you got some karats to go with that salad!"

Imagine these said with Dave Chappelle's white-man voice and you'll have a decent idea of what is happening here. The plot was just barely less inventive than these lines of dialogue and the characters only slightly more engaging.

Now that I think about it, this may have been a clever joke by the creators of Arrested Development. This is the final production from Maeby's career as a studio executive. Right? Please?