Lo, said the Lord God unto the lost tribes of Israel, thou shalt go with thine into the West, and on the shores of the Ocean of Peace thou shalt inhabit the Woods of Holly, and it was so. And, yea, after much toilsome begatting, was Tom Shadyac [director of Patch Adams, Ace Ventura, Bruce Almighty] born unto them, and he did grow and, with little lernt of the will of his Lord God, did he give motion to images proscribed [ Leviticus]. Such were his transgressions that he did bore the contemptuous ordure out of many a theater-dweller, so that it is said that, though the wind blows against the the four walls of his house, there do many corruptible sheep lodge there. Yea, verily did Tom of Shadyac further consternate the ire of wrathful God by then giving to direct a multitude of actors most cherished [Morgan Freeman, Steve Carrell, Lauren Graham, John Goodman], with a script that gave odors of the leavings of mule.
And God did cry out, Why hast thou thus portrayed My visage and My Promise? Hast thou forgotten who made thee? Must thou imbue thine films with such formulaic storytelling and cheaply injurious sentiment [Um . . . Ephesians?]? Hast thou no shame before the Lord, thy God, nor the little ones that do suffer as they come unto thee?
And so it was that an angered and vengeful Lord did pay $11 to see Evan Almighty, and He did weep to see His flock fall into such lamentable folly. For He so loved His children that He did send an angel as messenger to whisper 10 new Commandments into the ear of scribe Bruce Vilanch, who would probably get Whoopi Goldberg to then read the Commandments [or, you know, Billy Crystal if she wasn't available] over the valley of the Woods of Holly, so that the word of God shall reach all who film there:
1. Thou shalt not create sequels to films that blow.
2. Thou shalt not use the teachings of the Lord, thy God, as half-assed shorthand for lessons of the family.
3. Thou shalt not relegate thine humor solely to the striking of the genitals of men, nor of the besmirching of the head and the vestments with the droppings of fowl.
4. Thou shalt not relegate Morgan Freeman to the role of a Magical Negro.
5. Thou shalt not pad thy film's duration with more than one montage, much less five!
6. Thou shalt not cue thine audience's emotional responses with swells of sentimental music.
7. Thou shalt not put in the mouths of actors any of the Unforgivable Clams.
8. Thou shalt not waste the talents of John Goodman, who the Lord God would kindly like to remind thee is one of the best living character actors working in this year of Our Lord.
9. Thou shalt give better roles, with more depth, range and screen time, to Lauren Graham, for her word's wit has the speed of the prancing fawn of the meadow, and her blue eyes sparkle and shine like the Heavens above, and her breasts are like two birds [ Song of Solomon], and her lips the dew of a new day on the grass of her visage, which is most beloved by God, for He made her to be most loved by man, and it was good. Yea, so good.
10. Thou shalt not render unto Tom Shadyac another dime. Seriously.