The Movie Binge


*Captivity stars the cop from 3 minutes and one line in the final half-hour.

Captivity: The Review: As Boring and Depressing as The Movie? How Dare You!!

The last line of "Captivity" (spoiler! don't care!) is "thanks for the lesson, Gary". I wrote it on the bathroom wall afterwards. The lesson that Jennifer (li'l Cuthbey) is referring to is how to cock a shotgun. She tried to shoot the bad guy (the film's 2nd villain) but she didn't cock the shotgun, and then he showed her how, and then she shot him. But, and I think you knew this was coming, she's probably not talking about just that lesson. I mean, she can't be. This film's not interesting enough for the possibility that there isn't some Romerian lesson like all the rest. But here, the lesson is so muddled, this is all I can come up with: FEAR IS THE SAFEST PLACE TO LIVE, and EVERYONE HATES YOU, YOU CANNOT BE LOVED. Every single twist in the film, literally every single one, is "what you thought was good is EVIL!!" and Jennifer starts the film without any friends or family or boyfriend (just a dog) and ends the film unchanged (yes, unchanged, as in, as if the experience had taught her nothing, because what was there for it to teach her?) only without a dog because she shot it (also with a shotgun). It's dark, isn't it? Almost so dark you can't even see it. Because, as is obviously the case, these aren't true lessons, so the film's got a couple of pretty fundamental false premises. Its cowardice is just so unrelatable that there can be no emotional investment whatsoever, so the only "successful" scenes are the ones based on visceral response (force-feeding a girl liquified entrails, burning off a girl's skin with an acid shower) and all the ones based on emotional impact (shooting the dog, the entire romance and subsequent reversal, the poor poor serial killers as boys with their rapist mother, basically 90% of the movie) are pitiful attempts to disguise the (thankfully small) little erectile scenes as an actual story. Which is like eating a bowl of shit and then asking for a mint. Don't go see this movie. It's negative in every direction. Another way you can tell is that it (I'm convinced unwittingly) aims to prove as true both of the contradictory (and staunchly negative) ideas "hell is isolation" (which is mentioned in the film) and "hell is other people" (which is the last line (spoiler!) of Sartre's "No Exit").

This review is exactly 33% parenthetical phrases. (eat it, Heidegger)


This review just gave me a little erectile scene.

I'm not at all sorry that you took the torture film bullets this year. A+.

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