The Movie Binge

Becoming Jane


Dear Miss Bingey,

I am sooooooo into this one guy at work! He brings me flowers he picks from the parking lot and sometimes we "split" a stick of gum from the vending machine. Recently he finally "popped" the question: would I go out with him to the movies!! Would I!!! Everything was a total dream, until I realized we'd have to agree on a movie (hilarious differences between men and women alert!). I thought for sure he'd want to see The Simpsons Movie (YAWN!!), so color me surprised--and a little confused--when he suggested we go see Being Jane, the romantic comedy of the summer! At first I was excited -- then I was scared! Doesn't it seem a little, you know. You know!! I don't want to say because I think Martin in Sales might actually be, but you know. You know!!! What should I do?

MovieWatcher Member #1889078

Dear MWM#1889078,

First of all, this column has a three month turnaround time. You aren't seriously still waiting for an answer, right? I mean didn't he ask you about this forever ago? I mean I guess we'll answer anyway, because if you are with this guy after all I would get with the breakup. This man is clearly a sociopath (yes, like Martin in Sales).

Face the facts, kitten: Being Jane is about the worst date movie ever. And we're not talking License to Wed style worst ever, either. We're talking, like, you know when you're all ready to eat a delicious dried fig and you bite down and it turns out to be a piece of pemmican? Who hasn't been there! This li'l film sets you up like, okay, I've banished all thoughts of literary credibility and I'm ready to see two sevelt young actors moon and banter over each other. Right? It sets you up like that and then for like the last hour it drops you into this horrifyingly depressing story about how no in fact you can never ever be with the person you love, because if you are you are ruining your life and also the lives of his fifteen hungry siblings, so, effin go spinster it away for the rest of your life, hope you're happy, maybe I'll see you again someday when you're grey and I've named my firstborn after you! Lots of laughs, peace!

Of course loyal readers all know that we know lots of facts about the choices of educated and unwealthy women in the time of this Jane Austen lady. In fact, we know so many facts that occasionally we visit graveyards and walk around apologizing. You would even think that all the reality might have improved our chances of liking the thing, since we were a little up in arms about it being made at all. (Jane Austen's like number one amazing characteristic is that she did all of the expert writing she did without ever having to rely on the support of a husband, so, why bother. That was our thinking.) But we girded our brains, and were thusly dropped into what we thought was fantasy land but no in fact was The Nightmare Before Christmas. Dear MMW, it has been long since we were so depressed at watching a romance.

In short, this man wants nothing more than to lift you up and either kill you in his basement or make you make all the hard choices for him. He will likely offer you great ideas and thoughts of running away together, so long as you leave your life behind and never accomplish the things you want. And then he will expect you to point out the flaws in this plan, and lo, you will do the dirty work entrusted to women all over the centuries: mopping up the breakup pieces, trying to pretend it's all for the best. You may in fact get a good novel out of it; we actually recommend you just read a novel instead.

Miss Bingey