The Movie Binge

Bratz: The Movie

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I believe the mastermind behind this colossal shitpile was a sympathetic bookie. Jon Voight must have built up a seven figure debt in underground peanuckle games but didn't have the money to pay. The bookie, let's call him Frankie, respected Jon's impressive filmography and thought he'd throw the old man a bone. It just so happened his thirteen year-old daughter, Francine, loved both Bratz dolls and Jon Voight (Deliverance is her favorite movie). In exchange for finding his way into the film and the paycheck he would receive, Voight would be off the hook for the full sum. It was through a similar perdicament that Jon ended up in The Karate Dog and Baby Geniuses 2. This must be God's honest truth as there is no other plausible explanation for his involvement in a movie this offensive. To make matters worse, he plays a bumbling idiot, subjugated by his awful daughter and never gets a comeupance. I'm sorry Mr. Voight.

The downfall of Jon Voight aside, this movie is guaranteed to teach your child the wrong way to deal with just about every situation. Is life getting you down and you have nowhere to turn? Go shopping! Don't have enough money to solve your problems with shopping? Turn to your friend with divorced parents who want to her love and wait for her to give you free clothes! Are social clicks bringing you down despite your ability to be liked by everyone you meet? Put on an elaborate performance costing thousands of dollars! The overt message of loving yourself and your friends was perfectly acceptable, but the only reliable answer to life's problems involved spending money. The movie felt like it was financed by the evil fashion industry overlords from Zoolander.

What's worse is that the kids around me seemed to be laughing and enjoying themselves. They even clapped when the villain was cast aside. To their credit, there were a few moments that were genuinely funny and made me think the movie was salvagable, but it was too far gone. I was rooting for nobody. I looked longingly at the few adults that got up to leave, wish I might be them. This film is not for you and it's not for the kids in your life. Take them to Ratatouille instead.

As a final thought, I want you to hear the moment of the film when I laughed loudest. The villain, who is trying to control the school with cliques, actually says, "I love MySpace" after watching a clip for the talent show. It seemed they eschewed having many product placements in favor of letting MySpace and MTV take over the movie.

Listen to I LOVE MYSPACE.