I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry
I'm sure that no matter what, I Now Pronoun would've been a better movie.
Something that you need to know is that I didn't pay to see I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. I refused to spend money on it, and so I bought a ticket to see The Simpsons Movie (which was pretty good, I mean, it's the Simpsons, what do you want?), and after that was over, I snuck in to watch Chuck and Larry. The other thing you need to know is that I couldn't make it though the whole movie, and that I walked out after about an hour. (There was almost another full hour to go!)
I hope that you can understand. Given some of the truly horrible things my fellow Bingers have had to sit through, I realize that it's kind of a dick move on my part. But hear me out -- I was in a lousy mood, and the film was nearly devoid of charm. I was feeling down, and it was just making things worse.
Why? Well, for one thing, it's hard to tell whether Chuck and Larry is more homophobic, misogynistic, or racist. I mean, it spends most of its time trading in homophobia, but at least the film attempts to make its characters' boneheaded attitudes about homosexuality some kind of gag at their expense. The racism is totally uncalled for -- Rob Schneider has a totally inexplicable role that has him in the Asian equivalent of blackface -- but it's a relatively brief detour. The sexism, though -- yikes! Chuck and Larry is a film that presents women mainly as walking, talking tits and asses who all desperately want to fuck Adam Sandler, mainly because everyone involved is so desperate to make sure we understand that his character is sooooooooooooooooooooo not gay, dude! It's a movie in which Adam Sandler's cock is the great equalizer: Whether you're some random bar skank or a headstrong doctor, you're going to end up dissolving your identity and joining his harem of identically-dressed Maxim girls. Do you see how this might be a bit much to take? I'm not even getting into all the lame fat jokes.
To make matters worse, the screenplay is a poorly paced, overlong mess of illogical motivations, rotting clams, and witless set pieces. Why is it that the trailer for this movie was able to communicate its basic premise -- Adam Sandler and Kevin James are firemen who fake a gay marriage in order to bilk the system, and Jessica Biel is the generic hottie that Sandler can't nail for fear of blowing the ruse -- but the film itself takes nearly an hour to establish all of that, and Biel doesn't even show up til around the 45 minute mark? It's bad enough that Chuck and Larry is boorish and unfunny, but did it really need to be full of plodding exposition too? Seriously now, who were they trying to fool by even attempting to make this shit plausible?
Anyway, I have a few theories as to how this thing ended. If you saw it and know the ending, don't bother telling me. I'm pretty sure this list is the only kind of pleasure I could derive from this experience, and it'd just be mean to take that away from me.
Theory #1: The film ends on an unbroken 40 minute shot of Sandler awkwardly fondling Biel's T&A while making kooky sounds and wacky faces. (Actually, I might be describing an outtake from the eventual unrated dvd. Whatever.)
Theory #2: Kevin James' faggy 10 year old son turns out to be not so gay after all when he stumbles into Sandler's harem and FUCKS EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM with his tiny, prepubescent member. The boy finally earns the love and respect of his father. Awwwww!
Theory #3: James and Sandler actually give sodomy a shot, and it turns out to be kinda awesome for the both of them. Hey, this homo stuff ain't so bad! The two abandon their cushy DUMBO firefighting gig and join up with that all-gay volunteer fire department in New Hampshire from that one episode of the Sopranos. A round of johnny cakes for everybody! Hooray!
Theory #4: Oh, snap! Jessica Biel is totally a lesbian. You shouldn't have pushed your luck, Sandler! Sandler, James, and their accomplices all go to jail and HAHAHAHA get anally raped by enormous black dudes! Comeuppance!
Theory #5: Oh, for the love of God. I don't fucking care, okay?